Breakdown

I had a total and complete breakdown today, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears style...without the drugs, booze and sex of course.

So many things have been weighing on me lately, add to that one extremely hormonal, pms'ing girl, and you get a crying, sobbing, screaming mess. I just look at our finances and feel like we will never get out of the situation we're in. We're STILL paying off our wedding, six months down the road. And we even did it cheap, our wedding was under $4,000 bucks. Every month we dutifully pay off the credit cards, and then every month we charge them back up. We break even and then go in the red again. It's a vicious cycle and it must be said. Our spending is out of control. I mean, we're not off taking trips to Rome and Paris (I wish). I never spend more than $20 on shoes or anything crazy like that. But, its like the $100 bucks extra I spent at the grocery store the other day, that just wasn't in the budget. Then there was a speeding ticket we had to pay, and Seba needed a new winter jacket...and VOILA! Our credit card is no longer empty.

Sorry for the whining entry. I'm just cranky...and you have to cut me some slack. I mean c'mon...I'm on a budget and a diet. Not fun!

Supermercados!

After my last Very. Angry. Entry. I know bring you back to your regularly scheduled blogging.

First, I'll give you all a little background information. My husband is a civil engineer and his current job title is Construction Project Engineer. Oh yeah, he's a big deal. One of us has to make something of ourselves and my opportunities in this country are limited. That's why I'm a professional blogger (no, really, two weeks ago I was offered a job as a contributing writer over at I'm Not Obsessed, I took it and it's fun!) who doesn't leave the house. Ever. So S. works for the company that is part of a department store duopoly here in Chile. They decided they wanted to expand their evil empire into supermarkets and hired him to oversee the construction of these new grocery stores.

ANYWAYS.

Up until last week he spent almost 100% of his time at the store they are building in a very high class number. They say this grocery store will be the company's crowning jewel. The aisles are big enough to fit five rich mommies across even with their double wides (strollers). The lighting isn't harsh and fluorescent, it's flattering. The customer service will be unbeatable in Chile (which means that you might be allowed to make returns and they won't laugh in your face if you want to make a suggestion or a complaint). Instead of sending all the pretty ones for export, they're going to keep the good Chilean fruits and veggies and sell them to Chilean people, imagine that. And to think that in the US you've been receiving all the premium Chilean produce, the cream of the crop, and you're not even grateful are you? Shame on you!

This "jewel" of a supermarket was set to have it's grand opening on Friday. But, special people (ME! ME! ME!) were invited in on Thursday afternoon for a pre-opening. That's right, all the higher-ups' wives were invited to do their grocery shopping before the store began to allow the pesky general public in, and my hubby bribed somebody to let me in too. We later found out I would've been let in even if my name wasn't on the cool kid's list...aside from Stepford wives, they were letting in foreigners (from 1st world countries only, thank you very much) and anyone who was staying at the Marriot hotel, which is VERY exclusive here in Santiago, and conveniently located next door to the "jewel."

So I arrived at this special event and let me just say that I am so relieved I at least had the good sense to put on a clean pair of jeans brush my hair because I knew I'd be meeting S's boss. I don't think I've ever seen so many attractive Chileans all in one place, and by attractive I mean rich, well-groomed, women with highlights and manicures (huge luxuries in a developing country), high heeled, gym going, no rollo de pan (Chilean speak for no love handles), designer label wearing, skinny bitches!

I felt so out of place! But I did my best to put on a smile, shake my butt when I walked, and fill my cart with things we didn't need and can't afford so I could blend in.

There were some amazing food stuffs at this grocery store, though. Items I had previously only seen in the US- dark chocolate Betty Crocker frosting (into the cart you go), Heinz Ketchup in a bottle, not a bag as is custom here (had to buy it for patriotic nostalgia's sake), cous-cous (fun to say, fun to eat!), packets of hot chocolate (I swear, I didn't even have to tough the box, it flew off the shelf and into my cart like a moth to a flame). Basically, anything I saw that made me say, "Ooooooh, I didn't know you could get this in Chile," came home with me.

I spent $100 dollars on "weas." There really is no translation for this genius Chilean slang word. It's sort of like our fuck. You can manipulate it to mean whatever you want it to mean. In this case we'll translate weas to mean crap I should not have bought.

The whole shopping experience was really fun, I like to people watch and it was fun being in a different environment. While it was a brutal reminder of the tremendous income gap in Chile, it was also a reminder that for as much as I complain about being poor, comparatively, we really don't have it too bad. That's always a good thing to remember.

Oh yeah...I almost forgot to mention how proud I was of my hubby too! Everyone I met kept telling me what a fantastic job he's done with this supermarket. I almost burst with pride for him. It's always incredible for me to think that he has sufficient knowledge to build an entire supermarket without it collapsing (we hope). Impressive right?

My Fault

Normally I compose my blog entries in my head the night before I write them. Last night I had what I wanted to write all planned out. But, I've been on Flickr for the past three hours arguing with some idiot about politics and now I need to vent a little bit, so this may not be the most eloquent piece you've ever read :)

I shouldn't even pay attention to people like this, but it seriously hurts down to my soul to feel how much people hate the USA. And it kills me when they don't differentiate between our beautiful country's citizens and it's government.

This lovely fellow and I got into a huge discussion when he started comparing all of the US to Nazi's. He said the world would be a better place if we were all wiped off the face of the planet, he told me that I should leave Chile because nobody wants me here, he even said we should all "SUFFER AND PAY FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE," etc. etc. etc.

I too am against Bush and the atrocities this administration has committed. And I have been from the very get go. I have voted in every election since I've been of age, I've written letters and emails to my representatives and I've even protested against the war (amongst other things I've protested against, hahaha). I mentioned that and he didn't believe me...he still held me PERSONALLY responsible for every action the Bush administration has committed.

Anyways, I don't care if this one guy wants to have personal beef with me. That's fine, it's happened before. I'm a love her or hate her kind of gal, and a few people have been known to fall into the latter category in the course of my 23 some years. Not everybody has to like me and I understand that.

But to feel so much hatred against and entire people just kills me.

The Russian government poisons people and spies. Hugo Chavez is a COMPLETE wack job. Iran wants to nuke the US. In Sudan they are massacring people by the thousands. But I have absolutely nothing against Russians, Venezuelans, Iranians, and Sudanese people. My personal beliefs are that you should only judge the individual person because making assumptions will backfire on you every time.

I hate hate. That's all.

Question

Hey, does anyone know how to report a spam comment to Blogger? I got one on my last post...grrrrr.

Thanks!

I Wish

When you lose weight, the compliments and the numbers on the scale are so addicting. Every pound shed reaffirms your worth. Every compliment convinces you that you are more valuable to society, and to the people around you when you are at a lower weight than when you were at a higher weight. Smaller sized jeans make you giddy with happiness. That high is something you don't want to lose, you become obsessed, and everything about you becomes defined by TRYING TO BE THIN. If someone loves you, you know its not because of who you are...no of course not, they love you because the number on the scale is saying the right thing.

Then the number starts to go up again...because try as you might, you just CANNOT DO IT. You cannot eat like a normal person. Food controls your every thought, and you want to limit yourself and have self control, and you want to exercise and be healthy and be normal. But a demon takes over and all of a sudden you're not you. While you're eating you're someone else, and then as soon as you snap to it and realize all the crimes against you're body that you have committed, you hate yourself for it. You LOATHE yourself for it. You feel guilty, you beat yourself up, you promise that tomorrow you will try harder, that you will only eat celery and no carbs. This is going to be the month that you start losing weight again. But when tomorrow comes, you feel so guilty about what happened yesterday, and you feel like its useless, like you already ruined everything by binging yesterday that you go deeper into the depression...and the monster takes over again, and you binge again. Its such a vicious cycle and so hard to break.

But what you don't realize the entire time that you are yo-yoing up and down the scale, is that most people don't notice. You don't realize that the people who love you....they loved you when you were heavier, they loved when you were skinnier...your weight did not affect the way they felt for you! Sometimes its so hard to see beyond the negative.

Think about it this way...when you receive a compliment, how long do you remember it for? A day, maybe a week, if it was truly an exceptional compliment it will stick in your head for a month or two. But a put-down...of course that stays with you forever. That time your grandma told you you shouldn't smile for pictures because when you do you have a double chin, or that time when you stayed with a friends family and they made you feel ashamed for eating everything on your plate and told you that you shouldn't be eating so much, you're already the biggest one out of all your friends, or your cheerleading coach making a huge deal out of the fact that she had to order a bigger skirt for you because you couldn't fit into any of the "normal" sizes (the special order skirt was only a size 12 for pete's sake and crying out loud...and I wonder why I developed such crazy issues with my weight). Those memories stick in your mind forever...and in some way, shape or form, carrying those negatives with you, makes you feel like you will forever be the worthless fat girl that those people saw.

Why aren't we able to purge our mind of the bad and retain only the good? Why is it, that only just now after really sitting and thinking back about that cheerleading coach, after really digging deep in my brain, do I finally remember how my best friend stood up for me? In front of the monster coach putting on a big show about a size 12 skirt, my friend said, "Well, she's the strongest one on the team, you can't expect somebody who's pure muscle to fit into a size 0!" Why didn't I appreciate my body for the amazing things it could do, instead of berate it for not complying with my coach's standard of beauty?

That is my wish for myself and anyone else who has ever struggled with similar problems-that we would all be able to let go of the bad rotting inside our heads, making us incapable of accepting ourselves. If we can get beyond the bad, try to retain more of the good, maybe then we will be able to believe that yes, we are worthy of being loved no matter what the number on the scale says, no matter what our outward appearance shows.

Chilean Heartbreak

Hearts were broken tonight in Chile. And, no, don't worry. I'm not talking about another act of terrorism. What I speak of is even worse. The Chile U20 soccer team lost to the Argentine U20 soccer team in the semi-finals of the U20 World Cup.

To understand what this defeat means to the people of this country, you have to first understand their relationship with Argentina. Pure competition. The two countries hate each other. Chile thinks that Argentina stole their land (it's true that they took a huge chunk of it during a war a really long time ago). Both countries claim to own Antartica (as does the US). When you go to Argentina and tell them that you are a foreigner living in Chile the first thing they do is start to ask you questions, "What country is pretty, Argentina or Chile? Do you like Chilean guys or Argentine guys? Whose shit stinks less, ours or theirs." You get the idea. Futbolistically speaking, Argentina has always been far superior. Maradona, who's right up there with Pele comes from Argentina, for all you people who are out of the soccer loop.

Now, let me tell you about the present day. There has been talk that the future generations of Chilean futbol (sorry, just can't bring myself to call it soccer) players coming up the ranks, will form the best Chilean team ever. Well, this was supposed to be the miracle generation. These kids playing in the U20 W.C. made it out of the group stages of play in 1st place. They went on to beat Portugal, a world reknowned futbol playing nation, and Nigeria, a team that on paper was physically superior. The hopes in Chile continued to rise with each passing game that this miracle team one. THIS team was going to be the one. TODAY was going to be the day that the Chilean futbol team FINALLY put those Argentines in their place once and for all. The players were full of boyish confidence, and unlike any other generation before them, they actually believed they could do it.

That's what made me cry when the final whistle blew. Other teams before them had always accepted that Argentina was better. Asi de simple. But this team dared to dream, as corny as that may sound.

The officials in the game were horrid. The temper tantrums and out of control play from the Chilean side was even worse. After the game 10 Chilean players got arrested for fighting with the cops in Canada (although there has been talk that the cops were abusing the players and Chile is filing a formal complaint with Canadian officials first thing tomorrow).

All in all, what was supposed to be a really beautiful day of hope for the Chilean people, turned into a nightmare.

One thing I think most people from the States will never understand is the amount of pride that goes into a futbol game in a third world country. If you are a developed country, there are so many things that you can be proud of. In the US some people are proud of our economy, for others their sense of pride of country, comes from our military strength. We certainly never lack gold medal winners at the Olympics. Our athletes hold world records, our movie stars are known world wide, our military prowess is feared (or was).

In the history of this country, Chile has won one Olympic gold medal (tennis). ONE! Winning a major sporting event is everything to the people of this country...and seeing as how soccer is almost the only sport that is played here...well, you do the math.

The loss today was devestating.

Even in Chile

Yesterday there was an attempted attack on the British Embassy.



I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT EVEN CHILE IS NOT SAFE.



Fortunately, no one was killed and only one person received minor burns. Possibly responsible is an anarchist group, León Czolgosz Autonomous and Destructive Forces, named after the man that was responsible for the assassination of William McKinley (a US president, if you're reading this and you don't know who that is).

Obviously this attackers really didn't do their homework. There was hardly any one at or around the Embassy because they attacked on a Chilean holiday. Thank God, Allah, Buddha, whoever you want to, for idiotically stupid terrorists

In international news this wasn't even a blip on the radar, small scale stuff, really. But I just can't stop thinking about it. Chile, mi querido Chilito...Chile is like Switzerland people! They never rub anybody the wrong way! OK, so that's really only technically true ever since they got rid of brutal dictator, Pinochet, in 1990. But seriously, ever since then they're a very neutral nation. And, there's really not even that many British tourists that come to Chile either, only about 50,000 a year. Again, that's a drop in the bucket.

Terrorists sicken me. I just cannot wrap my mind around the fact that some people think its OK to KILL OTHER HUMAN BEINGS to make their points (US government included).

In the US I always considered the possibility of a terrorist attack. And in any country, I would definitely think twice before moving next door to a US Embassy! In Chile I know I may be at danger for other things-being killed in a hospital by incompetent doctors without proper technology, getting my cell phone robbed 5 times in one year, suffocating to death on the overcrowded metro system, getting jumped for wearing the wrong team's jersey at a soccer game, etc. But getting hurt because of an act of terrorism here would've never crossed my mind until yesterday. I always felt immune from those sorts of political dangers in this country.

I can be a big worry wart. So now I'll have to add terrorism, even in Chile, to my mental checklist of things to fret over.

Leave Chile alone, please. This country has enough problems as it is, without adding crazed, violent anarchists to the big picture.

Heaven on Earth

Picture this-

It's chilly here in Chile. Temperatures are low and you feel it more than in the US because Chileans homes don't have central heating. Rain is pitter pattering on the window and outside it's gloomy and grey.

But inside our little love nest S. and I are cozy. I am sitting on front of the space heater wrapped in a fuzzy, green fleece blanket. The television is on and we are watching none other than my favorite sport ever, soccer. The game is thrilling, and close between two fantasticly skilled teams, just how I like to see el Jogo Bonito played.

I'm sipping a glass of bubbly and feeling the buzz. Hmmm, looking back, maybe that's why I was feeling all warm inside, maybe it wasn't just my good mood. S. is in the chair behind me, kindly giving me a back rub and I'm so relaxed that my arms, like wet noodles, are barely even able to hold the glass of champagne.

People, this might just be heaven on earth.

Here's what we did after the game...get your minds out of the gutter...we took a nap! (note, this image has been uploaded on my Flickr which you are more than welcome to check out. If you're on Flickr please add me as a contact! But please do not mention this blog. Thanks!) :

Tag, I'm It!

I was tagged by Feisty to do this, so here goes nothin' :)

1. Post the rules, then list eight things about yourself.

2. At the end of the post, tag and link to eight other people.

3. Leave a comment at those sites, letting them know they've been tagged, and asking them to come read the post so they know what to do



1. I've never thought of myself as a quirky person, until the husband started making note of things I do he thinks are insane. So here's a few of them: I won't carry things in my pockets (not even chapstick and especially not cell phones) because I think it makes me look fat. I hold my breath when I flush the toilet because I once heard that feces particles spray ten meters everytime you flush and I don't want any to get in my mouth or nose. I judge food based on texture-I won't touch cheese with a ten foot pole. I don't like people to touch the top of my head (playing with my hair is fine but just resting a hand or arm is not) because I feel like I'm being smushed into the ground. I could go on forever...

2. If I could be one thing in the world, I'd be a professional photographer. You guys can see my flickr photos here but please don't mention this blog, I don't want the whole world to know it exists. Anyways, I would be a photographer full time if I could. I think I may have the raw talent, or at least a lot of people have told me I do, but I don't have the technical know-how or the start up $ to buy the ridiculous amount of equipment needed. I just wish I would've figured this passion out earlier in life so I could've studied photography or visual arts in college.

3. I hope my parents never find this blog because they'd die if they heard this, but college was the laziest time of my life and I don't think I learned very much either. I went to University of Tampa...I probably went to 1/4 of my classes, IF that, and still came out with a 3.6 gpa if that tells you anything about the quality of the school. And on top of all that, it was expensive as hell (pardon my french, but there's no other expression to describe the amount of debt I'm now in, thanks to student loans).

4. I work at home right now, for my dad's company and I'm hoping to get a second job that will allow me to continue to do so. If I don't get that second job I'll probably have to stop working for my dad and go out and get a real job because of financial reasons. I'm really hoping that doesn't happen. I love the comfort of my home because working in pj's is AWESOME! :)

5. I was an overachiever in high school (played piano, flute in the marching band, I was a cheerleader, captain of the soccer team, honors society, vice president of my class, you get the idea...). And even though I did all those things I still never felt good enough. I think a lot of that had to do with the fact that I was a "floater." Because of all the activities I was involved in I was friends with a lot of different groups but didn't belong exclusively to one group. I was always jealous of those girls who had a best friend that was really loyal to her. It got lonely sometimes being good friends with everyone and best friends with nobody.

6. At my wedding we didn't have anyone to officiate the ceremony until literally 10 minutes beforehand. The priest that was supposed to be there didn't show up. Fortunately our best man took it upon himself to go out into the a random church in the city and beg the priest he found inside to come. We also didn't have a place to hold the ceremony until 2 days before because I kept giving the veto to every place our wedding planner showed us. Fortunately everything turned out amazing and more than a few people told us that it was the most fun they'd ever had at a wedding!

7. I love Newsweek and used to subscribe but now I can only read online because a subscription here costs $200 a year compared to $20 a year in the USA. Its my favorite magazine and the only thing that has made me feel that my brain is not slowly turning to mush ever since I graduated from college six months ago.

8. I find it really, terribly, oddly normal that I followed the graduate from college, get married immediately path. The rest of my life has been so abnormal that it just feels strange to be doing something the way the rest of the world does it. Granted its slightly different to marry and move overseas, but these days everybody's doing that too!

I now tag...Pin Up Girl, Ordinary Girl, Tout La Mode, Body of Work, Dynamic Fitness, Took2Weeks, EvilJoy and My .02 Cents.

Passion

*chocolate, white, dark, milk, I don't discriminate
*chocolate pudding
*chocolate milk (are you noticing a trend here?)
*photography and photoshop
*celebrity gossip
*Scrubs, the most hilarious show ever
*the USA
*pink
*diet, nutrition and fitness
*comfy sweatpants
*University of Tampa, the most beautiful, lazy college in the world
*long bike rides
*long walks with friends
*even longer naps
*Shakira

If you guessed, "What are things that make K happy?" You are correct! But, (and this is excluding all people, friends and family) the one thing that tops the list of my joys in this world is futbol, el jogo bonito, or as we call it in the US, soccer. I watch teams play for hours on end and never get bored. I cry for the player who misses the penalty kick because I know he will regret that moment forever. I rejoice for the underdogs who pull out victories over teams twice as strong, twice as fast and twice as skilled. I yell loud enough to wake the dead at my T.V. when the ref makes a bad call. A goalie who makes an incredible diving save gets me on my feet every time. Those game winning goals scored from 20 meters out in extra time absolutely thrill me!

Now imagine all that passion, but times a thousand, and that's how I feel everytime the US Men's National Team takes the field in red, white and blue! I'm sure that's how I'd feel during the women's games too, but they are rarely shown on television. There is absolutely nothing in this world that brings out the patriot in me, like the US soccer team. Especially since I live abroad, watching their games on T.V. is one of my biggest connections with my country.

This summer was simultaneously one of the best and the worst summers in the history of US soccer. The men's team played to a stunning victory over Mexico in the Gold Cup, but then went on to send an experimental team of young players to the Copa America and get hammered into the ground losing by a total score of 8-2 over the course of three games.

Seriously, I wasn't expecting the US to win many games in the Copa America. With such a young team it was like leading lambs to the slaughter when you consider the fact that they had to face futbol giants like Messi, Riquelme, Veron etc. Still, I was so disappointed. A big part of why I want them to do well is because at a time when the US is so disliked by countries all over the world, I felt like a good showing would put our players in the spotlight and help people see that we're not all monsters. The team is so classy, they play hard, but don't foul dirty. They don't argue unnecessarily with refs. They shake hands and exchange jerseys after the games and never bad mouth their opponents in press conferences. They represent the USA proudly. In the international soccer world, those things are all rarities. I guess in a way I see them as ambassadors, demonstrating the good qualities of US citizens. Unfortunately nobody plays attention to a team that doesn't play well, no matter how classy they are. Oh well, even when they lose the US Men's National Team still makes me proud to be from the USA.