Group Blog: Hardest Custom To Adjust to in Chile

I realize I have been a huge slacker this week on blogging. Believe it or not that's because I've been swamped, blogging for people who pay me. :) I should have announced the topic yesterday but I had a little bit of a crisis. For the past year I've had all my to-do lists in a neat little notebook that goes with me everywhere. I check things off as I go and if it weren't for that notebook my head would probably explode. Then it ran out of paper. And I didn't have time to go pick up a new one. I wrote my to-do list on a scrap piece of paper and then promptly lost it. I don't do well with individual sheets. I blame lack of to-do list for not blogging, because updating JMCS is usually one of the first things I write down.



Moving on to much more important things -- there was a tie for our group blogging topic this week so I'll just announce the one that comes first alphabetically for today and then we'll do the other topic in two more weeks. So for today, feel free to join us in writing about -- The Hardest Custom to Adjust to in Chile (or abroad, or anywhere if you want to make this work for your non-Chile related blog). My post will be coming at some moment during the weekend, but I'll start posting your links today! *Updated, it's down below.

Sara
Heather
Abby
Rita (Colombia)
Lydia
Clare
Amanda
Kathleen (Ecuador)
Lori (Brazil)
Renee
Shannon
Carlos
Katina
Emily
Tyffanie
Jessica

Hardest Custom to Adjust to in Chile -- Extreme Family Involvement



I haven’t really written about my husband’s family too much on this blog. I try to keep them off JMCS because I would never want them to accidentally google me or S. and be surprised to find out that they’re actually internet superstars (not that either of his parents really knows how to use the internet, but who knows, maybe the day they decide to buy a vacuum cleaner that’s not from the early 1800’s they’ll also decide to learn how to use their computer).

But, in keeping with tradition, I have to be honest here, or else what’s the point of having a blog? Adjusting to the custom of how involved Chilean parents are, or want to be, in their children’s lives has been hands down the hardest adjustment for me in Chile.

I lived with S. in his bedroom in his family’s house for a 1.5 years. Then we moved next door, although our houses were still connected by a secret passageway so we were never really in our own space. As anyone who has been a long time reader knows, I've struggled with a lot of customs in Chile -- piropos (catcalls), lack of independence because of safety issues, bureaucracy, distrust of fellow human beings, etc. But, family involvement takes the cake as the most difficult thing I've dealt with while trying to adjust to life here.

I should probably clarify first -- I love my husband's family very much. I'm grateful to them for being generous enough to open their home to me when I was on study abroad. I'm happy that they love their son so much. Moving back in with a family after having lived on my own for so many years would have been hard for me even if it was my own. I don't blame them in any way, shape or form for the negative feelings I felt.

The custom of extreme family involvement in the childrens' lives stems, in part, from the fact that most Chileans live at home with their parents until they're much older. This naturally means that the parents will be able to exert much more influence over their 25-35 year old, "children." If mom and dad are paying the bills and putting your food on the table you can't not answer when you're on your way out the door and mom insists on knowing where you're going and what time you're coming back. And insist she will. Insisting seems to be a Chilean specialty. In Spanish slang, young people call it, "hinchando." A person who insists too much is an "hincha-pelotas."

As long as the kids are still under their parents roof, no matter what age, I see no problem with the whole hinchando thing. The problem comes when the child moves out, yet the parents have a hard time cutting the apron string, so to speak. I know that my husband's family isn't unique in this -- I have friends whose husband's family would probably disown them both if they didn't go over to their home every Sunday for for an eternal family lunch. Once, at a party, another friend's husband's mom showed up unannounced with all his clothes washed and pressed because she has her nana continue to make sure his wardrobe looks proper for work. My MIL called incessantly when we first moved out just checking up on us.

This is simply what Chilean mothers do. It's not right or wrong, it's just a different custom than what I've been used to in the past (and what my husband quickly became used to while living with me in the U.S. -- unadulterated freedom). With my own mom if she calls I can tell her that I don't feel like talking and she won't be offended. She can do the same for me and neither of us ever gets our feelings hurt. If I'm upset she will wait for me to come to her to tell her what's wrong, rather than insisting I let her know right away. That's the kind of family I grew up with and how I was used to interacting with people. We go to each other on our own terms, and that method has really worked for us. I get along with my family wonderfully, I adore them all. I honestly can't remember the last time in my adult life that we fought -- aside from talking politics with my brother -- that always gets sticky. He's a *gasp* Republican. But, we always end up agreeing to disagree.

S.'s family dynamics don't really work like that. Telling someone how you actually feel is cause for not speaking for weeks on end and nobody hesitates to snap at each other and lose patience with one another. This isn't because they don't love each other as much as my family loves each other. It's just because they're all so on top of each other all the time that it's bound to happen. With a little space I think everyone would get along better.

I don't want to cut off all contact with my in-laws, or anything like that. But, my husband and I needed them to give us breathing room in order to start our own family life. This concept was difficult for them to understand. But, things have improved significantly over the past six months as they've recognized our need for space and therefore we've began to appreciate them much more now that we've put some distance between ourselves.

And of course, don't forget about the contest! Just link to my post in your blog or send out an email to 10 people with a link! But, this is very important, after you've posted, please don't forget to leave a comment on the original post because otherwise I might miss your entry.

Last but not least, today is Emma's birthday!!! Head on over to her blog and leave her some looooooove.